me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
The Onion called it…again.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.