Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw