Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda