My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.