Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Nothing to do, you say?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.