everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*