hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex