“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions