When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
dictator is short for richard potato
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Sing it!