Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Waiting for the Charmin
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.