This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I’m being attacked 😭
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Someone just threatened to call me later
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.