If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: