If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
time machine? you mean a clock?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*lint rolls you awake*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Well, this explains it:
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.