nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*