E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”