Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.