WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
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Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.