Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
You Might Also Like
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.