The “baby” on the left….
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
How does one answer this?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.