This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
You Might Also Like
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Candles never taste the way they smell
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
there has never been a better use of this meme
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?