[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
The days of good grammer has went
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Terribly Tuesday.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.