man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Worst Native American name ever.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.