He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Terribly Tuesday.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.