Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)