[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
You Might Also Like
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”