A man of commitment.
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.