coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…