Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
How to draw a duck
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
This meal prepping shit easy
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?