Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong