I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
i dont have time for this
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.