yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Unexpected Judgment
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
One of the best
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help