[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
pelicons
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect