*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
everyone has that one prude friend
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that