I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.