His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking