HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
You Might Also Like
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Some people were born into their job.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”