Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.