Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]