Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
You Might Also Like
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Childbirth is so beautiful
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.