My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?