can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
This is my brand.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.