I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.