My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
God has left this place
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Here’s a meme
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.