When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for