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I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“i am a sweet baby”