I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
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Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
when mom throws a party…
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.