Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
goldfish mafia
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”