I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
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physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then