*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
You Might Also Like
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
How about daylight saves us for once
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Canadian owl: Eh?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again