Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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so much to do
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
There’s never enough good news
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Sing it!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do